The Marriage Problem (Pt 1): It Sucks to Be Single
This is the first of a two part story on the “uniqueness” of Calvary Temple and marriage.
Calvary Temple is different. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is extremely different. This article is my attempt to put all of my feelings into words, as I’m sure others feel the same way as me.
It sucks to be single, here’s why:
Calvary’s system is statistically designed to force you to settle: We have 300-400 members in our congregation. Out of that bunch, maybe 40 of them are young, eligible singles. The likelihood of finding a mate that connects with your insecurities and strange quirks, while also bringing something substantial and meaningful to your life is nearly impossible. Yes, you may find someone to which you are attracted that seems to get along with you. But the amount of work needed to connect with a person like that will be significantly harder. What if we were able to date Christians?
You miss the education of dating: Dating is important, not just to find a mate, but also to learn about yourself. When you are 19 or 20, you have an idea of what you need in life. That idea is fundamentally flawed, due to your inexperience. This is why the average person does NOT get married in their teens or early 20s. However, if you meet a number of people, you discover how your personality intersects with theirs, both short term and long term. In the beginning, you may find that you want a domineering mate who takes charge. However, as you grow, you may learn that you really want a partnership in the marriage. How do you know what is correct for your personality if you never put yourself in another romantic situation?
The pressure to marry ramps up as you get older: So now you're 28. You've been out of high school for a full 10 years. You've lived, you've laughed, you've learned. Good friends have been married off, and you are still "enjoying your singleness." At first watching your friends get married was fun. You were so happy for them, and the mate that they found seemed perfectly suited for them. But as more friends get married, more questions start coming to mind? Why wasn't I good enough for that guy? Why was he attracted to my friend more than me? Are there any eligible mates available? And what if I have to marry a 19 yr old? I found myself questioning my attractiveness, my spirituality, and my body odor. In reality I might just be an old fossilized corpse of an eligible single.
Dating in groups is difficult: What does dating in groups mean? It means that you must, without saying it, figure out a way to show a person that you are interested in them. That person may be illiterate in body language and as oblivious as an oak tree stump, but you must resist the urge to tell them. ALSO, you never get to see that person one on one in private. Could they be different behind closed doors? Could they have a secret drug problem or have an unhealthy attraction to Lucille Ball? Maybe they only brush their teeth on Monday, or deal with depression on a daily basis. In reality, you have about as much luck as playing a roulette table. Without interacting with a person in a one-on-one setting, you are not capable of knowing the situation you are getting yourself into.
None of these things above are completely intolerable. We can pull up our boot straps and deal with them. But outside of CT there is a greater selection. Most churches allow a person to date outside of the individual church. Most don’t feel the pressure to get married at 21 or 22. Most allow you to go out and find someone who has the same passion for soccer, Greek literature, or Firefly cosplay, while also being amazing men or women of God.
We've been boxed in for a long time with "How can two walk together unless they agree", without ever trying to figure out if there are other people outside of the church who we could walk together with. After all, Jesus in Mark 9:38-40, makes it clear that any Christian who is not "against Him" is for Him. Read that Scripture….it's eye-opening.
