5 Things I Learned About Leaving Calvary Temple
Not an actual view of my leaving CT….
It's now been quite a few years since I left the community of Calvary Temple. As someone born into the church, there are many challenges that I have faced and lessons that I have learned. While everyone is different, here is my list:
1. Take Time to Find Yourself
I have never been more self assured than when I was in Calvary Temple. In CT, someone from the pulpit spent time every day explaining to you how to live. Even if you struggled executing the directions given, Star's teachings gave you an area of focus that set the tone for the week. If the teaching was on evangelism, you spent the day looking for opportunities to witness. If the teaching on humility, you worked hard to not talk back to your boss as work. I knew every answer that was in the Bible because of the teaching, and that confidence served me well.
When I left CT, all of that stopped. No Bible teaching, no small groups forcing me to think about my application of Scripture, and no CT members questioning my commitment. I never realized how much of my time and thoughts were taken with these things. My friends had stopped texting me, and I couldn't go to my parents' house and go fishing with my dad. The quietness is almost deafening.
Replacing that constant encouragement was the guilt of probably not being right with God. That guilt woke me up in the middle of the night, and a burden weighed extremely heavy on my heart.
That said, I was learning new things. For the first time in years, I could have a conversation with someone without the ulterior motive of converting them to Christianity and Calvary. Instead of hearing their life story to "figure out" how to bring them to Christ, I could find the good in people. Instead if listening to a podcast and lamenting that Bill Simmons was going to hell, I could simply enjoy the talents of the person.
I learned that I liked good restaurants and good food, enjoyed talking to people about life philosophies, and hated know-it-alls. I enjoy cooking and tennis, and talking trash about sports. Reggae, jazz, funk, and blues take me to my happy place.
Most of all, I enjoy myself. Instead of denying myself constantly, I indulge myself a little bit more. Instead of fearing getting drunk, I'll have a cocktail or two while joking with friends. I can be responsible and still enjoy.
As time went on, the fear and shame left. What remained was a constant understanding that no one was going to fight for my own happiness but me. And once I fought for that happiness, I found it. Whether you stay a Christian when you leave or give up your religion, it pays to learn more about what makes you happy in this life.
2. The World Is Extremely Diverse
If you were born in Calvary, you have been raised one way, and depending on who you are, you may view that as positive or negative. But the number of ways that you have been raised is "One".
Throughout the countries, people have been raised all different ways. Some of the obvious differences are along religious lines. Muslims, Hindus, Sheikhs, Scientologists, Mormons, and Tibetan Monks all have extreme differences to their faith. They are generations old, meaning that kids and adults have known nothing else but these teachings. Many of them have extremely high IQ, EQ, and common sense. Country lines create differences as well. A Chinese Christian has differences in belief from a US Christian. Also a Middle Eastern woman will have different points of views about men, marriage, and children, than we do, regardless of her religion.
When you step in to the big world, you realize that you are just a person on a world of 7.5 billion people that grew up with only 400 of those people. This is a humbling fact that should force you to at least, respect and understand those with a different view point, even if you disagree. Instead of being quick to assume you know what a person is about, take some time to listen to them.
What you may find when you open up might surprise you. I have made friends with an African-American Jewish man who grew up in an orphanage reserved for kids whose Jewish mothers had adulterous dalliances and needed a place to hide their illegitimate children. I've met a man who escaped from North Korea. I met the son of one of the most famous blues musicians and had a couple drinks with him. I enjoyed a meal with a man who discovered he could sketch in his mid thirties after an ugly divorce, and now has one of the largest galleries in the French Quarter.
Life is ugly and beautiful because people are ugly and beautiful. If you can leave yourself open to hearing and loving other people for who they are, you will see beauty in life that you will never find in CT.
3. The Lessons in Calvary Were Not All Bad
Calvary Temple is extremely easy to blame. Strict teaching, "brainwashing" kids, weird inappropriate sex stuff. But for better and for worst, I am what I am because of Calvary Temple.
I have a good job that pays decently because I am a hard worker. I value putting my all into all things. This was taught to me over and over in CT, and it has allowed me to excel in ways I may not have been able to prior.
I have learned how to quiet my mind because I practiced meditation from a young age.
I strive to treat others with respect because I was taught to do so by CT and my parents.
While I have many things to be angry about, I can acknowledge the good that has made me the man I am today
4. More to This Life
If we acknowledge aspects of 3), we also have to realize that we are not in this giant world to stay closed off! Life is staring us in the face! If we decide that we can't travel for work, go to school in an exotic place, or move to a new town whenever we want, we lose huge parts of our development as normal people in this world.
For Christians, the mandate is to go into all the world and preach the Gospel. That wasn't just a call to go vacationing in Orlando. It also wasn't just a call to go to Africa for a couple weeks. When you live in a place and people get to know you, you have a greater opportunity to influence them positively. There are 400 people in Calvary Temple who believe that they have better teaching than anyone on Earth (see 2) to understand the arrogance of that statement), but that influence is only reserved for Sterling, Reston, Ashburn, Leesburg, and random places in Africa? Remember the parable of the talents, where Mr. One Talent buried his talent into the ground so he wouldn't lose it? Isn't that what happens if the church attempts to keep its members confined to Northern Virginia?
Whether you take a Christian perspective or not, life is huge. We were taught to avoid all scars, but many of us are unhappy anyway. If you live without fear and use your head, you can navigate many of life's obstacles while still enjoying life's other pleasures. Stop giving into fear and start dreaming big. If you can predict your life 20 years from now, you're not doing it right.
5. Find a Way to Let the Anger Go
For all the good that I identified in 3), I can list other hurts that would have never been caused by another church. My family was separated when I left the church. My burgeoning career was nearly canceled because of some horrible counsel by the church. I lost every friend I had. To this day, my family and I continue to deal with the horrible effects of the church. My family may never be the same, and the reality of that situation has, in the past, continued to add coal to my runaway train of anger. But like all runaway trains, the loss of control causes innocent bystanders to be hurt, along with those that deserve the revenge.
Anger creates pain. Pain, when it stays inside, comes out in all facets of your relationships, no matter how hard you try to keep it contained. For someone who was so short on friends for so long, I could ill-afford to allow anger to infect those sacred relationships. But anger is also unavoidable when this level of hurt occurs. How does one control it?
Personally, my outlet for anger has come in two ways:
Taking action toward seeing my family restored whenever there is an obvious move.
Pursuing personal happiness and fulfillment in every possible way
That last one is key. Many of us who have left have been told that we are weak. That if we leave the church we will descend into the depths of discontent, depression, and depravity. In my life, the opposite is true. I am more fulfilled and happy as a friend, a family member, and a man than ever before. I am more free and confident in myself, and I enjoy life. What more can we ask for?
Summing Up
Years ago I remember watching others leave and hearing the things they had to say. If an ex-CT member's life fell apart, we'd say, "Well, the wages of sin is death….that's what happens when you don't follow God's way." If the ex-member's life was better, we'd say, "Sin is always pleasurable for a season" and "The devil will give you anything you want when you leave." The message was clear (while somewhat contradictory) there is no winning when you leave CT. Every life is different, but hopefully this message encourages you to truly find your own way…..whether it be through Calvary Temple, another church, or something else altogether. One life; one chance.
